Beginning the Process: What should I have in hand before I start?
• A diagnosis for one of several debilitating neurological conditions. For further information and list of symptoms to bring to your appointment, consult our other publications such as “123, ABC: Learning Disabilities to Help You Succeed” and “Shake it Up: How to Fake Early Onset Parkinson’s.”
• $15,000-$6.5 mil. in liquid assets. Actual amount will vary according to school choice and whether you possess any legitimate mental acumen.
• Privilege. “White” remains the most versatile but other varieties have proven effective.
• Access to photo editing software.
• Legal Representation, preferably by a firm with experts in matters pertaining to both mail fraud and money laundering.
Casting Call: Where should I apply?
• Don’t burden yourself with unnecessary research; instead, make a list of colleges and universities that have brand-recognition for you, and imagine your name with the words “BA/BS, [school]” after it. Like the dress, you’ll know when you’ve found “the one.”
• Ensure that any college in your portfolio accepts no more than 15% of applicants. The biggest mistake you can make is to assume less-selective schools can still provide a meaningful educational experience.
• Prestige is key; academic programs and your interest in them are largely irrelevant.
• Pay careful attention to athletics; the ideal school will have programs robust enough to allow coaches to recruit, but sufficiently underachieving so as to allow said coaches to recruit you without raising any red flags.
• Under no circumstances should you apply to ASU. Where’s your self-respect?
The Application Process: What does it entail?
Most schools have unique applications, but nearly all will ask for:
• Standardized Test Scores. If your particular “diagnosis” (see above) gives you insufficient time to achieve your desired score, bear in mind that proctors are often vulnerable and underpaid.
• High School Transcripts. Mediocre grades may need to be negotiated up. Confronting individual teachers to improve grades can be time-consuming, so it helps to remember that a variety of staff can access transcripts, and may have children they hope to afford to send to school one day themselves.
• CV/Extracurriculars. If you have chosen the athletic recruitment route, don’t forget to include your target sport and photos of you smiling as you display appropriate paraphernalia.
• Personal essay. To be composed by your school’s guidance counselor under your parents’ supervision.
Time to shine: how can I make my application stand out?
If you follow our advice above, admission is all but guaranteed! Make the most of your college experience, and when you come to think about the possibility of gainful employment, rest assured that Adult Correctional Facilities in this country offer a variety of valuable career development programs.